Posted by: Mark Nielsen | July 18, 2017

The Laws of Country Music   (Song for Shooter Jennings, Roseanne Cash, Holly Williams and Justin Townes Earle)

Song for a Big City Boy Gone Fishin’…

THE LAWS OF COUNTRY MUSIC

(By Mark Nielsen, (c) 2017 )

There are laws in nature, and in Nashville, too.

So if you wanna write a country song, here’s what you do:

Don’t even touch your guitar till you’re sad and blue,

Then write your way outta the hole you done fell into.

     [Chorus:  ]
I say anyone can write themself a country song

If it makes you want to dance and it ain’t too long.

They can cheer you up, or they can knock you on your ass–

Hey Bartender, fill up this glass!
My daddy used to tell me put away the pedal steel,

Just use a regular slide and stay awake at the wheel,

bend them guitar strings and make a high lonesome wail,

And do your best to stay sober and stay the hell outta jail.
I say anyone can write themself a country song

If it makes you want to dance and it ain’t too long.

They can cheer you up, or they can knock you on your ass,

Hey Bobby, you’re playin’ this too fast!
Next you make the drums swing just like Bob Wills,

And don’t let the damn bass player take them pills.

Get a fiddle if you wanna but don’t make a fuss.

And keep all them dirty groupies off your private tour bus.

       (Spoken over a fiddle figure or tame guitar part) :

     They’re liable to steal something, right? Or take a picture and sell it to the tabloids. Ruin your …umm… squeaky clean public image…

You get big brass balls and an iron fist, 

you don’t understand it all but you get the gist,

Make it a little heavy metal with a peppermint twist

Add in some honky tonk piano, is there anything else I missed?
I say anyone can write themself a country song

If it makes you want to dance and it ain’t too long.

They can cheer you up, or they can knock you on your ass,

Just don’t let nobody call them low class!

        (Spoken over the band’s wailin’ outro) : 

Aw damn! I broke my own rule and wrote this tune too dang long. They ain’t never gonna play this’un on the radio. Better call up my manager, have him see if one of his other artists wants to buy a song cheap to fill out their record. I’m overdue on my rent this month, need to make me a quick $300.

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