An ongoing series… JOIN OR DIE, YE LILY-LIVERED LANDLUBBERS!!!
If ye’ll allow me t’ borrow from some geniuses (Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David), here’s proof dat de the best pirates be dem dat can laugh in de face of death, bad hair days, an’ other humiliations.
What? Of course I knows that ye spells usefull wit’ one ‘L’ nowadays. But I’m stealin’ back the king’s Olde English– an’ there ain’t a blackguard nor villain on all five continents what can stop me! (What? Seven continents? Aaaarggghhh! Now don’t be a know-it-all. I’m old an’ wise, even if I is set in me ways…)
There’s not enough waves nor storm clouds in all th’ Carribbean t’ keeps me from reaching me goals, nor from using at least thirty exclamation points a day!!!!!!!!
So t’ hell wit’ ye, all ye Nancy boys an’ uppity wenches!!!! I only needs one good eye t’ see that ye would fall like a house o’ cards if we was t’ do battle. Therefore turn back, I tell ye!!!!! I have to make it around Cape Horn and on to Exclamation Point by mornin’, or all th’ best booty will be gone!!! Anyone what stands in me way shall be run through, or else be run aground and left fer the buzzards an’ sharks to dispose of.
See ye’ on th’ high seas. Don’t expect to be safe from me, nor my crew, on our sturdy schooner The Paper Tiger.
Nevertheless, I am a fair man, an’ was once a gentleman. So ye may move about, within limits. Just stick to the shoreline, an’ ye’ll be fine.
Sincerely, (… or p’raps not!!!)
Cap’n Lilac Beard