Posted by: Mark Nielsen | April 1, 2013

Coming Out of the Closet: I’m the Real Batman

Cat Women I Have Loved

Yes, we know this is a photo of Julie Newmar, not Lee Meriwether. It’s just that Julie was so much hotter, besides which, I don’t have time to correct somebody * else’s * dumb error.

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After a barrage of harrowing Bat-related interrogations from my nephew and ward Bill Mills yesterday, I have come to see it is time I finally come out from under the cloud of shame about my dark past, and freely admit to the civilized world:

I am, in fact, Batman.

Mr. Wayne, ghost of Mr. Kane, Kevin “Fanboy/Fatboy” Smith, Mssrs. Burton and Nolan (the only directors who count) — as well as Mssrs. West, Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, and Bale — you no longer need to keep my horrible secret or cover for me by pretending. I do not need a beard any longer. Instead, I must find the courage to act in a spiritually, emotionally, and crime-fighterly free manner from here on out,  and thus I must reveal the truth about my identity to you, my beloved Gothamites and extended family members.

One week from today, I will also travel to Metropolis to enter a 12-Step superhero de-programming program. As part of that program, I will begin to make amends to all those whom I have harmed with my lies and mistrust, and come clean about my heretofore secret motivations for being such an all-around weird dude. I will also be forced to surrender my utility belt, a painful loss, as one might expect.

Dick Grayson as Batman. Promotional art for Ba...

Dick Grayson as Batman. Promotional art for Batman & Robin #1 (June 2009). Art by Frank Quitely. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If I have personally harmed you by being emotionally unavailable, by karate-chopping you when all you wanted was to make a dishonest living, or perhaps if I burned down the shrubbery lining your driveway with the flaming exhaust fumes of my Batmobile, I am heartily sorry. I will repay you for the damage using money from my “war chest” — the millions in federal funds that I earned by contracting with the Bush and Clinton administrations in my secretive investor activities to advance the Military-Industrial Complex (with a profit margin only surpassed by Mr. Tony Stark himself).

Like the recently-installed Pope Francis, henceforth I will also stop wearing “the red shoes”… in my case, the Bat costume. I will of course continue to fight crime, but only as Mark S. Nielsen of Chicago, IL.

Most importantly, I will forevermore walk with head held high, without shame, and will not even stick to the shadows (as was so often my former shy, broken-boy-soldier tendency.) I now see that vigilantism has no place in the postmodern criminal justice system– and as one of the premiere (and very first) advocates of handgun control, I believe The Batman should be expected to adhere to a higher standard of transparency and safety. I have Telex-ed President Obama regarding my intentions, and I have his full support in this bold but necessary career step.

Those who wish to send well-wishes during my 30-day stint in superhero rehab starting next week, please send them via my nephew and no-longer-secret sidekick, Bill Mills (aka Robin/Dick Grayson, aka “The Only Robin Who Ever Mattered”, and a total hunk and horndog… go Friend him on Facebook, girls, he’s a playa…).

I’ll see you when I get back to Gotham/Chicago. Please pray for me during this important transitional time.

Oh, and by the way, I’m also secretly Jewish. (So put me up on your cross and burn me, idiot Memphis Klansmen!).

With fear and trembling,

Mark “Bruce” Nielsen

p.s. Julie Newmar… you owe me a friggin’ phonecall and explanation.

Call me, girl, or I will out you, too…

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