I don’t remember… did I mention I have a fantasy football team again this year? Maybe I’m repressing the memory, because my team is such a steaming pile of CRAP!
It’s year four or five for our 12-team league, and I think I’ve done progressively worse every year. The first year, on the strength of Daunte Culpepper having his best season ever (remember him?), I made it to the Super Bowl, and made a bit of money as well. This year, however, my record is 4-7, and it’s been one of those “What was I thinking on draft day?” years. Last week I had 44 total fantasy points, which has to be an all-time low for any team, in any league.
So as a way of salvaging my season by spinning it into some universal humor about this wonderful, ridiculous hobby, I hereby present my
Top Ten Reasons for a Fantasy Football Massacre
10) You draft a player who gets cut by his team before the season even starts. (I did this in the last round of season two, with Ahmad Merrit, a special teams player on my hometown Bears… idiot.)
9) You draft a player whose rap sheet is twice as long as his stat sheet. Even if it’s Ricky Williams, and you’re only thinking of him as a back-up option, it’s still a bad idea.
8) You draft a stud running back within the first four picks, but he holds out through training camp, hoping for a re-negotiation of his contract. When he comes back, he starts slow, and he’s out of shape, and thus he gets injured. (Can you say Steven Jackson, St. Louis Rams?)
7) Your quarterback makes more headlines for his girlfriend or wife than for his play on the field. (Let’s see, … Tony Romo, Tom Brady, Matt Hasselbeck –all with injury problems in 2008… anyone else fall into this category?)
6) Your highly touted rookie, drafted in the middle to late rounds, crumbles under the pressure of having too many wallpaper patterns on his mind for his new five million dollar home.
5) Your wacky, risky draft strategy doesn’t quite pan out. (Like my “Keeping Up With the Joneses” strategy last year, in which I drafted at least three separate players named Jones. Still , this was a better approach than my first idea, the “Check out my Johnson” strategy.)
4) You draft the star wide receiver (or QB, or RB) from a Super Bowl-winning team, but they won it eight years ago and he’s been in steady decline ever since (but he still has name recognition –like Torry Holt– which is reason enough to draft him for a boob like you, who hasn’t been paying attention).
3) You tried to predict anything at all that Terrell Owens or Bill Parcells might do, either on or off the field.
2) You offer at least eighteen insane trade combinations a week, to fourteen different teams, three of which are not even in your fantasy league. The other owner/GMs reject your trades, but they’re grateful for the extra $200 you add to the kitty by the end of the season through equally insane free-agent pickups at $5 a pop.
1) You built your whole team around that complete bust ____________ (fill in the blank).