Posted by: Mark Nielsen | October 16, 2008

I AM Joe the Plumber, So LEAVE ME OUT OF IT


Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Joe Wurzelbacher of Lucas County, Ohio, and I am seriously ticked off about how Senators McCain and Obama used me last night like a Times Square whore.

So what if I make $110 an hour as a plumber –which in my experience is more than your average hooker makes. That’s beside the point. I’m still a man, not an object, a rhetorical tool, or a symbol to be paraded in front of the entire nation. Go back to your fictional “Joe Six Pack” if you want somebody to kick around. Not me, I tell ya! Especially if you’re all going to continue to spell my name wrong (first syllable’s got a u, not an o, as the voter registrar mistakenly entered it awhile back). 
Thanks to both senators’ use of my name, 26 times in the debate last night, about a hundred reporters were camped out on my front lawn this morning. My hydrangea bush is ruined, and none of those clumsy S.O.B. cameramen will own up to trampling it. Plus at least three of my Democratic potential customers left messages overnight that they’ve decided to “go another way”. Therefore I must respectfully decline your using my name like a political football any longer. Just leave me out of it, please!

As a small businessman (I’m 5’1″, if you must know, and was standing on a stool provided by the McCain campaign when I met Sen. Obama on the rope line, as seen in this clip), I value my independence just as much as Senator McCain does — or used to, before McCain let those spin doctors and professional campaigners push him further to the right. Not that I mind, since as an independent, I stand upon my right to remain an active member of the Natural Law Party (which puts me even further from the mainstream than either of you two boobs).

 

And as for you, Mr. Obama, quit looking directly into the camera with your sweet little doe eyes and  talking to me like I’m your pal. You can see by the shaved skin on the top of my head that I’m nowhere near the type to pal around with you and what’s-his-name Ayers. Nor am I a Hare Krishna, as some of you may be thinking. I just like the Michael Jordan, chrome dome look. This is how I roll, people. Deal with it.

 

I also noted with interest that Sen. McCain offered to “help [me] be able to buy [my] own business”, like I’ve always wanted. My response, for obvious reasons, is that I’d be glad to take you on as a partner, John. There’s this great storefront down on Radcliffe Street in Toledo we can get for a song. You could maybe mortgage one of your seven houses to cover your half of the lease. I’d even let you decide whether and how to offer health insurance to our employees.

 

So what do you say, John? It’s either that, or give me a cabinet post as your Secretary of Labor (though I’m not betting on the long shot that you’ll actually win the election).

 

And Mr. Obama, as a royalty payment for your having used my name in vain, all I’m asking for is the contract to maintain the White House’s plumbing in 2009 and beyond. Or maybe, when you ascend to the right hand of your heavenly Father, you can put in a good word about my ability to fix the plumbing on all those heavenly mansions. Because there sure as hell ain’t any houses being built or rehabbed here in Toledo.
If either of you want to contact me any further, please call my agent, Murray Glickstein at the William Morris Agency. He handles Nicole Richie and New Kids on the Block, you know, so I was lucky to get him.


Responses

  1. Very Nicely done. The Natural law party is from Transcendental Meditation and Maharishi Yogi.. cool A way to become a unified (united) Field.


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