Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Joe Wurzelbacher of Lucas County, Ohio, and I am seriously ticked off about how Senators McCain and Obama used me last night like a Times Square whore.
As a small businessman (I’m 5’1″, if you must know, and was standing on a stool provided by the McCain campaign when I met Sen. Obama on the rope line, as seen in this clip), I value my independence just as much as Senator McCain does — or used to, before McCain let those spin doctors and professional campaigners push him further to the right. Not that I mind, since as an independent, I stand upon my right to remain an active member of the Natural Law Party (which puts me even further from the mainstream than either of you two boobs).
And as for you, Mr. Obama, quit looking directly into the camera with your sweet little doe eyes and talking to me like I’m your pal. You can see by the shaved skin on the top of my head that I’m nowhere near the type to pal around with you and what’s-his-name Ayers. Nor am I a Hare Krishna, as some of you may be thinking. I just like the Michael Jordan, chrome dome look. This is how I roll, people. Deal with it.
I also noted with interest that Sen. McCain offered to “help [me] be able to buy [my] own business”, like I’ve always wanted. My response, for obvious reasons, is that I’d be glad to take you on as a partner, John. There’s this great storefront down on Radcliffe Street in Toledo we can get for a song. You could maybe mortgage one of your seven houses to cover your half of the lease. I’d even let you decide whether and how to offer health insurance to our employees.
So what do you say, John? It’s either that, or give me a cabinet post as your Secretary of Labor (though I’m not betting on the long shot that you’ll actually win the election).