Readers of Marking Time will already be aware (from my New Year’s Rockin’ Eve report) that I have had a generally favorable opinion of Miley Cyrus up until now. For a diva-in-training, pimped out by Disney or Fox, she’s definitely a cut above Hillary Duff (who? your stock’s falling fast, Hil’ — better get a hot boyfriend, or show your privates, or some other method of getting back in the news…), Taylor Swift (one-dimensional Disney country star), Vanessa Hudgens (this generation’s Shannon Doherty) and the all-time mystery of ‘tween pop stardom, former American Idol sixth place finisher Kellie Pickler (anyone remember her ridiculous TV interview during a June 2007 Cubs seventh-inning… dumb as a post, this one…) .
But now Hannah Montana’s gone and done the unthinkable: she showed us her shoulderblade, and it wasn’t because of a sexy strapless dress on the red carpet at the Emmys, either. And are those satin sheets, dear? You naughty little fifteen-year-old, godly , formerly squeaky clean belter of pop pablum! How could you?
And now you’re blaming Annie Liebowitz?! She who shot John Lennon (naked, hugging Yoko). She who has made superstars out of any number of performers much less talented than you, Miley, with just one well-crafted photo. Annie’s not some sorceress who clouded your mind while trying to convince you that the Vanity Fair bedroom-style photo would be “tasteful”. And even if she did take advantage of your youthful naivete, I’m sure your Dad Billy Ray, who was on the set the whole time and saw the digital versions of these tawdry photos, must have known this was a risky photo shoot to try sneaking past your adoring public.
You’re a first class turd, Billy Ray. You pimped out your daughter (or ignorantly let her do it to herself). So you deserve every criticism you’re getting now. I hope this scandal breaks your “Achy Breaky” bank account wide open, you hack.
What, did you think we wouldn’t notice that the Liebowitz photo looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch ad? Did you think that the people giving the Gossip Girl tv show a hard time –for using sex and “OMFG” posters to sell their show to teens– wouldn’t care that you’re slutting up our little angel Miley? We’re a split-personality society, Hannah: we like our good girls to be beautiful, dumb and virginal (like Jessica Simpson?) — at least until they’re eighteen and can make up their own minds about how best to show off their shoulder blades, cleavage and pouty lips. And we like them to act dumb, not to actually BE dumb. This was a dumb move for you, kiddo.
So long, Miley. Hello “Hannah Does Montana”, the new soft-porn classic! It’s due out in theaters around 2011 (when your stardom has faded, and you desperately need more money for ecstasy, blow, and to pay the mortgage on your Malibu mansion).
Maybe if you’re lucky, Dustin “Screech” Diamond will make an appearance in your debut porn film and strap on his famous fake prosthetic dong.
Gosh, I feel so dirty now…