Posted by: Mark Nielsen | January 3, 2008

New Year’s Rockin’ Eve: The Old School Breakdown

“Will you keep your resolutions?” Marisol asks. What are these silly tourists gonna say?

“No. I’m the big screw-up in my family. I always let everyone down, and by January 3rd I’ll be off the wagon and back to my usual drinkin’, whorin’, and stealin’. Yeehaw!!!”

Yup. That’s what I’d say, especially if I had my five seconds of fame on New Year’s Eve, in front of millions of people. Might even get me a reality show, or a two-picture deal with Miramax/Touchstone/DisneyPorn (all part of the same conglomerate with ABC tv and ESPN… this PSA is for those who missed the fact that only a few corporations have any real power when it comes to telling us what to look at or be enthused about).

Yeah. I deserve a show. If that moron Larry the Cable Guy can become a star, there ought to be room for me, too.

9:16 – The West Coast has Fergie hosting, and she tells us that among the performers there will be Akon. Akon is best known for bumping and grinding onstage with a fifteen-year-old girl earlier this year.

Yeah, these are the rockers that I want to see… waited all year to see, in fact. Ugh. Satan’s having a great night.

9:18 – Aw, shoot!… Kermit the Frog just lowered himself to their level and made a tuxedo-clad appearance. Oh well… at least he suggested the drunk folks switch over from champagne to ginger ale. Not that they will listen. Poor Kermit doesn’t even rule Sesame Street anymore. (That spoiled brat Elmo does…)

9:21 Seacrest/Soulless Host Body for Dick Clark’s Soul tries to turn it over to John Del Giorno in a helicopter high above Times Square… but obviously John is not the man “of the day” (the meaning of his name in Italian), for when they cut to him he just sits there with this stupid grin (technical difficulties…hee hee). They break away, then he cuts in on Ryan, 30 seconds after they broke away from him. Who’s directing this piece of crap?

Tomorrow: local news in Wisconsin crashes Dick Clark’s & Ryan “Soul Swallower” Seacrest’s party



  1. thanks for this post =)

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