Posted by: Mark Nielsen | October 31, 2007

Teaching a Young Pup New Tricks (& Treats)

For those of you in need of costume ideas, I bring you…

How to look and act like a five-year-old:

Excitedly dance around on tiptoes while telling a meandering story about something that just happened (on television, usually… meanwhile you’ll be missing the next developments in the plot, but you won’t much care).

Wear a Diego the Explorer (or other) costume for Halloween that’s one size too small, because that’s the only costume you wanted and they didn’t have your size at the store.

Spill your milk alot (or whatever you happen to be drinking). Feel zero guilt, and expect someone else to clean it up.

Leave shoes, coats, toys, whatever, on the floor right in the middle of the room. Walk past or around them repeatedly, but don’t you dare pick them up!

Skip the main part of your lunch, then before suppertime howl about how hungry you are. Then when your friend comes by to play for a few minutes, set down the snack you were just screaming for, and do not return to it.

As a result of the above eating habits, develop no waistline whatsoever, so that all of your pants sag, and most have to be cuffed at the bottom.

Strut around looking like the world owes you something.

Adapt all public outings around some irrational fear, like your concern about the noise from a public toilet flushing.

If you’re the competitive type (which my kid is not), try to be first in line, every time. Cut in front of others. This includes being an asshole driver, most of whom act like a five-year-old behind the wheel when you come right down to it.

Develop humbler hobbies. For instance, checking off each day on your private calendar could be the high point of your day.

Repeatedly kick or bounce your head softly off of the nearest wall.

Wherever you are, act like it’s the best place to be, and whine about having to go somewhere else.

[ Editor’s note: Dad/Teacher’s had a rough week so far. He’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to act like a five-year-old anymore. Please excuse his rude comments, and enjoy your Halloween in whatever unreasonable, ridiculous, childlike fashion you want.]


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