Posted by: Mark Nielsen | September 3, 2013

Quentin & Spike’s “I dare you to make this!” race-baiting version of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”

English: Brooklyn Bridge, as seen from the Man...

Brooklyn Bridge, as seen from Manhattan. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Excerpt below from a mythical, non-existent, alternate universe, Quentin Tarantino/Spike Lee-inspired, ” I dare you to make this! “, smarter version of the new (as yet unseen) FOX cop sitcom Brooklyn Nine Nine, premiering September 17 in its much safer, apolitical, probably lame, originality-free form.

{ Warning, this is a bit salty, or socially and creatively experimental. In other words, … risky. Black, white or Jew, Dem or Republican, if you’re gonna flame me, be gentle. As recovering racist suburban whiteboys go, I’ve only got a couple years under my belt. }

*   *   *   *   *

[ Scene opens as Andy Samberg/Jake Peralta and new captain Andre Braugher/ Andre "Ray" Holt are in mid-argument over how to handle a search warrant on a double murder/ drug-deal-gone-bad case. ]

JAKE:

Oh come on, Andy! We both know Amy and I can find this guy. Just go to bat for us with the judge and get us that search warrant before it’s too late and he covers his tracks.

RAY:

Andy? Did you just call me Andy? As in Amos and Andy? As in the dumbest, most racist trash ever put on radio or television– and in my PARENTS’ generation? So you’re calling me both a dumb nigger AND old? Man, I knew I shouldn’t have told y’all my birth name is Andre. But listen, I’mma mess you up, Jake, if you ever  call me Andy again. The name is Ray. Not Andre, despite what my ex-hippie-Black-Power-Boomer-sellout parents put on my birth certificate. Not ‘Dre, either.  Just plain old white-working-class sounding Ray. Got it? Damned cracker… Now get outta here, and I’ll see about that warrant. But not for your dumb ass. I’m doing this for Amy.

JAKE:

No, don’t be mad, Captain. That was my way of honoring you as a black man. Of course I know Amos and Andy were racist. I was acknowledging that by going, like, over the top with my teasing. Like as if to say, you’re NOTHING like Amos and Andy. You’re a PROUD black man. A SMART black man. Nothing like those fools. So it was some of that reverse psychology stuff, y’see? They call it reverse racism. It’s a real thing I read about, so I’m working on using it. How do you like it?

RAY: 

I don’t. And if I hear you mention it again, I will send you to your grave to join those black-face, shoe-polish-wearing, minstrel-show-racists Amos and Andy in hell. Ain’t no such thing as reverse racism. Just racism — coming and going.

JAKE: 

Okay, maybe you’re right. But I ain’t no cracker, Ray. I can’t be. I’m Jewish. We’re the “other dark meat” that the crackers love to pick on.

RAY: 

What, you think there ain’t no racist Jews, just ’cause y’all been discriminated against yourselves?

JAKE:

Well, no. There are plenty of racist Jews. Just not the “cracker” variety. Our bubbe’s wouldn’t allow it.

RAY:

The Amos and Andy guys, I think one of ‘em was Jewish. From North Carolina. So there’s a cracker Jew right there, right off the top of my head.

JAKE:

But they were funny, right? Amos and Andy? That’s why they were popular?

RAY (going for his gun):

Get out of here, Jake, ‘fore I kill you.

[Jake runs back into the precinct room like a little bitch and hides behind his partner/mama-figure Amy. ]

[Aaaand, scene… ]

*  *  *

Thanks go out to Denis Leary and the writers of the late-great FX firefighter dramedy “Rescue Me” for inspiration on the above.
And best of luck, Andre Braugher. You’re one of my all-time faves… let’s hope the real fake Brooklyners use you well.
And now… Let the NAACP protest campaign and controversy… begin!  (Against me, if not the actual show…)

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